Song thats all kinds of sad

*/Richard Shindell - I saw my youth today - reunion hill/*

I saw my youth today
he passed me in the street
As he walked by I stood frozen
On my dreaming feet
He had a kinder face
The kind I've learned to hide
Behind these cold unyielding stones
That used to be my eyes

A moment please my boy
Don't you know my name
Do you remember when
We used to play a hundrerd games
And is your mother well?
Kiss her once for me.
And if she should ask you why
Why you could say
Just for no reason

Remember that old troll
Who lived inside the tree?
He was never dangerous
That's just the way it seemed
The day you climed the tree
And ran to show me how
The troll was never seen again
So where could he be now?

A moment please, my boy
Don't you know this face?
And do you remember when
I used to let you win the races?
Please don't run away
I did not mean to scare you
I'm the one who told you
You should never talk to strangers
And is your mother well?
Kiss her once for me.
And if she should ask you why
Why you could say
Just for no reasons

Current Music: Gin Blossoms - Follow You Down
Current Mood: Smug

You know, some days, I feel like all I am is just a big fraud. Then, something happens, and I know exactly what to do to fix it, and I feel way better.

Talked to megan again today. She called to tell me that she'd sent the money she'd borrowed. She's doing good. Dating a guy who "Reminds her so much of me it's scary" Which is odd, considering that one of the last times I talked to her, she wanted nothing to do with me. I guess it's true what they say. Money does heal all wounds.

She's talking about a trip up here this summer, to see ansel. We had a long discussion about her not wanting to kill my dog. It was weird, but I'll live.

In other news, the Riddick movie looks like utter crap. Not even Dame Julie, with all her bond girlness can save it, I don't think. Of course, it's a vin diesil flick, so I'll watch it, but that's about it. I'm not even sure if I could stand to pay for a regular ticket.

Speaking of movies, am I getting old when I remember when full price tickets were cheaper then matinee tickets are now?

Yay, it's a weekend. Ansel is at disneyland, and I"m stuck here, in mobile, with the memphis blues again..

Ha! Got sound working under linux! No more having to boot to windoze to listen to music anymore! Sweet! Haha!

Song of the Day, Feb 21/2k3

/*Nine Ince Nails - Hurt - Downward Spiral /*

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
I wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
I am still right here
what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Hi. It's me. I'm doing alright, I guess. but I'm not sure how much .onger I can keep this shit up. I'm gling slowly but surely insane with the worry of keeping up this life. it's not that i'm working too much, it's just that sometimes, I guess that it's like just living my everyday life is just too fucking hard. I think one of the problems is that I have no real anchors. There's nothing that I can honestly say "I hope that doesn't go away." There is stuff that I would be uspest if I ddin't have anymore. Food, shelter, internet access, etc. But there's nothing that I couldn't just walk away from in my life. And I think that's sad. I know how bad that is for you, but I just can't bring myself to attach myself to something like that. I'm just not...capable of it, I guess. Too many years of having to leave just when it was gettting good. Just when I was gettting used to where I was living, who I was living with, etc, it would fall apart, or I'd have to move, or something. So, here I am. just shy of my 21st birthday. 10 years ago, I was a straight a student, member of the G&T program, OM, almost attened NASA Space Camp, etc. 5 years ago, I was almost failing out of hgh school...all my teachers saying that "If I just would apply half of myself, I'd be a straight A student.". Haning out with people who really were struggling with their classes, helping them, seeing their parents happy with them, then going home, letting myself in, putting some dinner on, and hiding in my room, waiting for the mail to show up, so I could toss my report card. "I dunno, dad. It just never showed up."

3 years ago, again, the normalness of life was just too fucking hard. I had a decent job, a nice place to live, and was >< this close to getting into UCSC's Enginnering Program. And what happened? I picked up, and moved to Vegas. I had 1400 dollars,a duffel bag, a back pack, and a box of stuff. Of what I brought to las vegas, all I have left are my boots, and my watch. I dunno where it all went, but a piece here, a piece there, it all disappeared. Alot of it is irreplaceable, too..

Somedays, I wish I could just crawl into a hole and die.....

Sinfest is the shiznitz. If you read it regularly, then you'll know that Slick is my fucking hero, man. If not, then read it! What are you, crazy or something? Sheesh.

Ok. To every random female that reads this. I'm not that fuckable. got it?

Why is it that I can only sleep east/west, with my head facing east, feet west, but only get sleepy with my head facing west/feet east? What the fuck?

Why is it that something so little and fuzzy as a cat can curl up back to back wth you in a bed, and flavor your dreams in an interesting shade of calm?

I will be barbequed by an angry dragon



How will you die? Take the Exotic Cause of Death Test

Heh..

So, here is is, 20 after one on a saturday. Fell asleep 'round 9am, but, in waiting for someone to get home so I could find out how her date went, I missed her popping online for 48 seconds. So, I didn't get to find out. But, she didn't get home 'til 0730, the day *after* valintines day.

Hmm. Lots of wierd dreams lately. I wonder if I should start writing again. I used to keep a pretty good dream journal. And some of my better prose came out of it..I doubt that tonights dream would be a wonderful starting point for a story..what with it being set in a megaresort in Vegas that doesn't exist, on of the characters being an old friend, who's name in the dream I could remember, but now am drawing a blank on; his girlfriend, who is a fictional creation as far as I know (which, hasn't stopped me before. I had about 30 pages of a story with Claudia, who's tit's I fucked in a dream when I was 13 (in front of the President, no less!) and who, outside of that dream and my little red notebook, never existed.
Wonder what happened to that notebook...

garg. Anticipation sucks ass.

Weird dream last night:

Starts out in a mall. I dunno *why* I'm in a mall, but I'm in a mall. Then, I run into an old friend, Eddie. who now lives in ohio, and is the fron man to a band, Eddie From Ohio. Go fig.
Anyways, we talk for a while, then I leave, and go to class..time skips, and I run into an old friend, then tell her that I'm working for the FBI. And, (in the dream at least) I was. She blows up at me, yelling at me that I hadn't been thinking of her feelings when I did this. This confuses me greatly, being as I was never *that* close to her. I mean, we were friends and all, but..(I'm still confused about that...) So, then I get into a boat thats being towed along, which lets go of the truck thats towing it as I'm going downhill, and it's like a rollarc coaster down intot the city of Las Vegas, down a steeper hil then there is in vegas. I'm confused..

SOTD, Sunday 2/9/2003

*/ VNV Nation - Beloved - Futureperfect /*

It's colder than before
The seasons took all they had come for
Now winter dances here
It seems so fitting don't you think?
Dress the ground in white
And grey

It's so quiet I can hear
My thoughts touching every second I spent
Waiting for you
Circumstances affords me
No second chance
To tell you
How much I've missed you

My beloved do you know
When the warm wind comes again
Another year will start to pass
And please don't ask me why I'm here
Something deeper brought me
That I need to remember

We were once young and blessed with wings
No heights could keeps us from their reach
No sacred place we did not soar
Still greater things burned within us
I don't regret the choices that I've made
I know you feel the same

My beloved do you know
How many times I stared at clouds
Thinking that I saw you there
These are feelings that do not pass so easily
I can't forget what we claimed was ours

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits

Moments lost though time remains
I am so proud of what we were
No pain remains
No feeling
Eternity awaits
Grant me wings that I might fly
My restless soul is longing
No pain remains
No feeling

Eternity awaits

So, ansel isn't gonna be able to make it to my birthday. The weekend before he's going to disneyland. The weekend after, it's his little sisters birthday..So, I'm just gonna cruise down to camerons, and see what's kicking there.

do you have one of those people whos a very old friend of your parents, but that you don't remember well?

Well, I've got a bunch of 'em. And one of them just died. I didn't really know anything about her..just moved to Cuba when I was 11, I think..but I remember a little bit about her. She always cooked. Good food, too..

Apparently, after cuba, she moved to england, and died there. I don't know a whole lot about it..

She was also the first person I knew that showed off Esher paintings..in fact, the only escher book that I have, she got for me one christmas, when she decided tthat I needed one..

There's gonna be a memorial mass held for her in like four and a quarter hours. I don't think I'll ever get used to life sucking as much as it does sometimes.

All I have to say, is this.
Go pat.

Wee. I actually dd something useful today: I cleaned my room. There was an incredible amount of detruius on the floor.

So, I'm reading a new book, Evolution, by stephen baxter. Good book, but I haven't really gotten a chance to really get into it yet.
I finished the best revenge, which was the first contemporary fiction book that I've read to make reference to IX-XI. It was a little odd, but I'll live.
I talked wth an old high school friend yesterday. He is a year older then me, and *still* hasn't gotten laid. dumbass.. he's an utter geek, but I mean, comeon..there's got to be geekgirls out there that would like him.. I mean, he goes to cal polytech for fucksake..

Why do we call it back east, and out west? I mean, I've never heard someone from the east coast call say, "I"m gonna go back west for a business trip", and I've never heard any locals say "I thiink I'll go out east for spring break."

SOTD Feb 2/3/2003

*/VNV Nation - Left Behind - Genesis.2 (Single) /*

So afraid
Open your eyes
Know too well
That fatuates you
Something undefined
There in the halflight
The demon without
The demon inside
To play then torment you
Feelings so sure
Feelings so uncertain
Something is wrong
Everyone's gone
You have been left behind
Everyone left the demon inside

Do you still hear the laughter
So hard to describe
And never forget
Faces that haunt you
Wake or sleep
You know you can't tell
Unable to sleep
Unable to fight
Unwilling to wake
To open your eyes
Face your oppressor
Still you go on
Convinced it will end

Can you remember
A day when it was not
Not like this
Unsure of yourself
Unsure of your thoughts
Unable to know
Of what you think is right or wrong
Still you go on
Convinced it will end
But someone pushes
A blade through your mind
There on the edge
No-one will find you
So hearing them laugh
No light it's not the end for you

Why is everything wrong
Here I am
Here I am
With these words
Trying to say
Something I can't
Something I can't tell you
Nothing is wrong
The demons they have left you
You were not left behind
You were not left behind
So open your eyes
So open your eyes
Unable to sleep
Unable to fight
Unwilling to wake
Please open your eyes
Here I stand
Unable to tell you
I'm trying to say
Nothing is wrong
Please open your eyes
Nothing is wrong
You were not left behind

Somebody once said: "We hurt the ones we love."

Now, I know this to be somewhat not true. I tend to hurt everyone around me. Whats almost scary, is that I'm..charasmatic..enough I guess..to pull people in before I hurt them. I don't know how, or why. But I seem to recognize where people are weak, where the chinks in their armor are..and exploiting them. I've made people I had only known for half an hour run crying from the room with a few choice words. I've destroyed the relationships between lovers with a few more. Those people I let myself get close to, when I decide that they're getting too close, I tear them apart. Have a fear of abandonment? I'll disappear for a couple of days. Have a fear of being abused? I won't hit you, but I'll act with barely constrained violence around you. Weight problem? "Out of my way, fat ass." Haven't loved anyone in a very long time? I'll string you along like a fish.

Now, as to *why* I do this? No clue. I *HATE* it when I do it, but it's like I can't stop myself from saying the words. Part of this, I'm sure was a defense mechanism from growing up in a family full of large, strapping men, and being realitvly short and thin. So, I had to learn how to make them run away crying before they got mad enough to hit me.

Or maybe it's because I'm a sadist, and I like watching 8 year olds burst out crying on their birthday..

I talked with megan today. First time since just after I left vegas. I got alot of shit off my chest, and was very glad when I did...so, why do I feel so empty inside now?

[Stolen from a friends livejournal, not in completeness. But he has said the things that I've been thinking today much more eloquently then I ever could have. Enjoy. Spacecraft Columbia, my prayers are with you, may you seek the stars that I never will.]

IWhat, a shuttle crashed?"

"Yep."

"Shit."

Drove to Worcester to pick up the past couple of weeks' worth of comics. Listened to NPR. Got sniffly. Thought about the terror of being in a spacecraft breaking up on re-entry. Would you get to realize what was happening, or would it just be a split second of wondering what was happening, and then nothing?

They say that the crew compartment is armored and sturdy enough that it may have broken free from the main craft as the fuel detonated, and flung them free of the explosion. So they may have fallen, crushed and dying from the forces exerted on the compartment, to their deaths. Or they may have been okay and parachuted out. Or they might have been destroyed in the explosion and never known what happened.

I find myself, sometimes, imagining death with great vividness and clarity. A writing project in which I was involved a few years ago meant that I visualized some deaths in a lot of detail, and I had to write about what the dying people were thinking and seeing and feeling as they died. Grasping at slashed throats, watching for a second as bombs exploded and seeing them and realizing what had happened, that kind of things. All written in super-immediate second-person: "You grasped at your throat, trying to hold it closed and keep the blood in..." and so on.

I'm terribly afraid of dying, or of knowing I'm going to die and watching it happen. And of permanent injury, but mostly of, say, looking down and seeing the lower half of my body gone and knowing that nothing could ever save me, and that that's it, I'm done.
How long does a severed head stay conscious before the oxygen in the blood in the brain runs out? Experiments carried out during the French Revolution seem to indicate that you have a few seconds of knowing exactly what has happened to you before consciousness is gone. Imagine that last second of terror and knowing that you're dead and just haven't stopped thinking yet.

Maybe it would be easier if I believed in an afterlife.

So, thinking of those seconds or minutes before the astronauts died, strapped into their chairs and helpless as flame washes through the crew compartment, or battered to pieces inside a tumbling metal box, or...

I try not to think about this kind of thing too much. I'm a little morbid when I let myself be (perhaps you'd noticed), and it'll keep me awake at night if I let it. Still, as I commented somewhere recently, I project myself heavily into astronauts. It's like stopping to watch fire trucks go by-- it's a piece of childhood I've never grown out of. Astronauts! Space travel! The space shuttle, clunky old thing that it was, was a SPACESHIP! It went into orbit, and it came back! And people flew it! And now they've died. And if I'd done a few things differently, I could be heading there soon enough, and looking at my future and wondering if I'd die in orbit. Instead, I ended up a techie, but not an engineer or a pilot or a scientist, and I just read about space flight and dream about being able to go up there some day.

I'm pretty sure that'll never happen. I'll be here on the ground forever, and then eventually in the ground, or ashes, however I get there. I'll never get to look down on the world from space and see it all, tiny and huge all at once, great and green and blue against the vast starry void. It's all the cliches, but they're cliches for a reason-- they're real, and that's how people have felt about it for so long that it's part of our national subconscious. WE'RE the ones who go into SPACE. WE were on the moon. Even just seeing pictures years later, of people farther away from home than I will ever be, I looked into the mirrored visors and saw myself looking back and waving.

These people who died, even in their deaths, I still envy them for having been where they were. I'd risk that same death and worse for a chance to look down on the sky.

Less then a month 'til my 21st. Legal boozing! Legal Gambling! And, if I wanna drive to Parump, legal Whoring! Pssh. Whatever..